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A Guide to Nationalism
// Russia surrounded by a ring of evil
Georgia's treachery almost took Russians by surprise. To prevent that from happening again, Vlast analytical weekly has prepared a guide to Russia's neighbors and methods of combating them.
In recent weeks, Russians have found out much about the negative role that Georgia and Georgians play in their lives. They now know that 1 million Georgians live in Russia illegally and squeeze $1 billion per year out of the federal economy and send it home to Georgia. Moreover, Georgians are the backbone of the Russian criminal world and they control the big casinos where Russians are stripped bare and poisoned with poor quality wine.
This is shocking information for society. Who would have guessed that Georgians have had the greatest number of criminal “godfathers” since back in the 1950s? Or that their immigrants don't like to register with the authorities, don't like to work hard and send their salaries back to their relatives at home? That ignorance has left public figures and a wide circle of patriotic citizens temporarily at a loss as they try various means of acting against the enemy, without hitting at the most vulnerable spots yet.
The situation is worrisome, as is the fact that it may be repeated. That is first because Russia has no constant allies, except its army and navy. Second, history has shown that even Moscow's best friends betray it and become its worst enemies – it's a peculiarity of friends of Moscow. Third, Russian President Vladimir Putin has ordered that citizens be protected against all immigrants, obviously meaning not only Georgians, who make up just a tenth of the army of illegals that is scattered throughout the country. And illegals are not the only danger – legal immigrants are no less dangerous.
That is why Vlast has prepared this short guide of potential enemies of sovereign, democratic Russia. The list includes countries that border on Russia and thus form a circle of malice. Also included are former Soviet republics that do not border on Russia but still are of strategic interest to it. There are recommendations for every country that will minimize their evil influence no les effectively than canceling the performances of dace ensembles and expelling schoolchildren whose last names end with –dze and –shvili.
Armenia
Armenians, along with Ukrainians, are among the rare peoples who number over 1 million in Russia without being natives. In 2002, 1,130,491 Armenians lived in Russia. That figure is increasing, and 18,820 former residents of Armenia became Russian citizens in the first half of this year. According to the Federal Migration Service, 26,169 citizens of Armenia found temporary work in Russia last year, and 27,474 in the first half of this year. It would seem that there are another million and a half more, since Interior Minister Rashid Nurgaliev stated this summer that “more than 2.5 million Armenians live on the territory of Russia who represent a serious diaspora and whose industriousness is a serious support for the Russian Federation.” They also represent a serious support for their relatives back home.
Personal money transfers from Armenia to Russia totaled $14.5 million in the second quarter of this year, and transfers from Russia to Armenia came to $128.7 million in the same period.
Exports from Russia to Armenia (fuel, raw diamonds, aluminum products and cars) were worth $191 million in 2005, and imports from Armenia (alcohol, food and technical equipment) amounted to $101 million.
The insignificant trade turnover, especially when compared with the volume of cash transfers between the countries, emphasizes the fact that Armenia is considered a strategic ally of Russia, ready to do Moscow's bidding at any time. Complications in relations with such an ally are unlikely, but possible. For example, Armenia's neighbors could close the transportation corridors between the two countries. To avoid a blockade, Yerevan would be forced seek other allies, which would most likely strongly displease Moscow. But the huge Armenian community in that does not fit migration law too closely gives Russia ample room for maneuvering.
Recommendations:
1. Ban the sale of Armenian cognac (as inconsistent with Russian concepts of clarity and taste) and lavash (as inconsistent with Russian concepts of bread).
2. Reject all words that end, like Armenian last names, in –yan, including the Russian nicknames Tolyan and Demyan.
4. Cancel the television show Comedy Club.
5. Boycott all taxis, restaurants and other tourism-related businesses in Sochi.
Azerbaijan
According to the 2002 census, 621,840 residents of Russia consider themselves Azeri. That number is growing not only due to natural reproduction. In the first half of this year alone, 12,167 former residents of Azerbaijan became Russian citizens. In addition, the Federal Migration Service says that 17,302 temporary workers from Azerbaijan last year, and 17,945 just in the first half of this year. Half of them are engaged in trade and 28 percent in construction. Sources in Azerbaijan give different figures. The country's State Committee on Azeris Living Abroad says 2.5 million Azeris live in Russia (1.5 million of them in Moscow) and the Baku newspaper Azadlyg says 3-4 million of Azerbaijan's 8,483,000 citizens live in Russia.
Personal money transfers from Azerbaijan to Russia n the second quarter of 2006 amounted to $6.1 million. Transfers from Russia to Azerbaijan in that time were $94.2 million.
Exports (cars and other vehicles, foodstuffs) from Russia to Azerbaijan in 2005 were worth $858 million. Imports from Azerbaijan totaled $206 million (petroleum products, oil refinery equipment, cotton, agricultural goods).
Perceivable conflicts between Moscow and Baku came to an end ten years ago when Heidar Aliev replaced Abulfaz Elcibay as president. But Moscow cannot forgive Azerbaijan for its membership in the anti-Russian GUAM organization or its pro-American orientation, which led it to support the Baku-Tbilisi-Ceyhan pipeline that offers no benefits to Russia. Baku will never forget that Russia's main ally in the Transcaucasus is Armenia, with which it has an unfinished war over Nagorny Karabakh. In spite of that, the two countries work hard to display their friendship and cooperation. The Year of Azerbaijan was declared in 2005, and this year is the Year of Russia in Azerbaijan.
Thus, in the foreseeable future direct conflict is unlikely, but possible, considering the political controversies, possible interference in Russian-Azerbaijan relations by the United States or Turkey and the possible unwilling involvement of Azeris in incidents in Russia such as the one recently in Kondopoga.
Recommendations:
1. Impose law and order on bazaars in Russia by deporting illegal immigrants (using their own illegal incomes to pay for it).
2. Continue to increase Gazprom tariffs until production at the Shakh-Deniz deposit reaches its projected capacity.
3. Conduct public education on the harmful effects of Transcaucasian tomatoes and grapes.
4. Launch a campaign to convince the public of the desirability of Russian daisies and dahlias over Caucasian carnations, which, besides everything else, have revolutionary connotation.
5. Ban clearance sales of jogging suits and mohair scarves.
6. Ban the song of Muslim Magomaev and the films of Yuly Gusman.
Belarus
The 2002 census found that 807,970 Russians consider themselves Belarusians. It can be suggested that that number has grown slightly. In the first half of this year, 4240 residents of Belarus became Russian citizens. The Union State of Russia and Belarus gives Belarusian citizens the right to move between the countries uncontrolled. The Federal Migration Service does not register Belarusian workers. More than 3600 Belarusian citizens voted in Russia during the reelection of Belarusian President Alexander Lukashenko this spring. The Belarusian Interior Ministry's Department of Citizenship and Migration says that up to 300,000 Belarusians are working in Russia illegally (out of a total of 9.8 million Belarusian citizens).
Personal money transfers from Belarus to Russian in the second quarter of this year totaled $5.5 million. Transfers from Russia to Belarus were $9.8 million.
Export to Belarus in 2005 (cars and other transportation equipment, minerals, metals and chemical products) was worth $10.094 billion dollars. Imports from Belarus (the same things, minus minerals and with the addition of foodstuffs and agricultural raw materials) were worth $5.714.
Relations between Russia and Belarus have developed in recent years according to the principle that lovers' quarrels are the sweetest to make up. Moscow accuses Minks of breaking the union state agreement by not introducing a common currency and turning its gas distribution network over to Russia. In response, Moscow is accused of belittling Belarus. The questions are never settled. The scandals arise, die down and come up again a few months later. A new scandal could lead to a cold war, the main weapon in which would be cutting off of economic ties, especially trade and gas supplies. That is the only way to bleed Belarus, since Russia accounts for half of its trade turnover.
But the Belarusian front looks the most dangerous. First, there are psychological factors. Most Russians, in spite of the efforts of propagandists, still look with approval on Belarus, on the union state and on Alexander Lukashenko. Second, the same segment of the population that approves of Belarus will disapprove of the disappearance of cheap Belarusian food and clothing from stores if economic ties are severed. Lukashenko promised that, if Russia raises the price of natural gas to Belarus, 10 million Russians would lose their jobs in factories that make parts for Belarusian trucks and tractors. It is hard to say why the Belarusian leader thinks that practically the whole of the Russian manufacturing sector is occupies making Belarusian trucks parts, but the threat sounds frightful. Even worse is the perspective of Russian gas flowing toward Europe through an unfriendly country that is poorly integrated into the world community.
Recommendations:
1. Mount a propaganda campaign to convince Russians that their utilities prices are rising because they are remaining low in Belarus.
2. Quickly form a union (preferably an alliance of sovereign republics) with some other state, Kazakhstan maybe, to show how simple it is given mutual desire.
3. Cut off supplies for Belarusian trucks and tractors.
4. Check Belarusian-made furniture and clothing for radioactivity. Receive a positive result.
China
According to the 2002 census, 34,577 Chinese live permanently in Russia. In 2005, 160,569 citizens of the People's Republic of China were registered as temporary workers. That number will apparently double this year, as the Federal Migration Service registered 163,058 in the first half of this year. More then half of them are engaged in trading. Unofficial estimates are much higher. Experts talks of 100,000-300,000 illegals. The Chinese either make very little money or don't trust the post office and financial agencies.
Personal money transfers from China to Russia in the second quarter of 2006 totaled $7 million, and transfers to China from Russia amounted to $48.4 million.
Exports from Russia to China (oil and petroleum products, ferrous metals, lumber and chemical products) reached $13.048 billion in 2005, and imports $7.259 billion (cars, equipment, clothing, footwear and chemical products).
Like the rest of the world, Russia is gradually giving in to China's gently onslaught. This can be seen in the dispute over Tarabarov (Yinlong) Island. The dispute carried on for 15 years and was decided in favor of China all the same. Besides islands, the Chinese are gradually occupying markets, forests, farms and car dealerships in Russia and are insisting on supplies of all the gas and oil they can get. Experience indicates that there will be no well-articulated protest of this in Russia. But we have to be ready for anything.
Recommendations:
1. Reorient purchasers of inexpensive clothing to the Vietnamese market.
2. Ban kung fu films.
3. Ban the insignia of the Communist Party of the Russian Federation, which resembles that of the People's Republic of China.
4. Ban fireworks and other goods made of paper and gunpowder, which were invented in China.
5. Make popularizing feng shui a misdemeanor.
6. Ban chow chows.
7. Declare the Turkic-speaking population of the Northern provinces potential Russian citizens and convince them of the advantages of holding a referendum on self-determination.
Finland
There are 34,050 Finns living in Russia. The overwhelming majority of them are natives of the northwestern areas of Russia and not migrants from Finland. Last year, the Federal Migration Service registered 1290 Finnish temporary workers, and 852 in the first half of this year.
Personal money transfers between Russia and Finland are insignificant and not made public by the Central Bank.
Exports from Russia to Finland (oil, petroleum products, natural gas, lumber) in 2005 were worth $7.651 billion. Imports (vehicles, electronics, electric goods, chemical products and wood and paper products) were worth $3.089 billion at the same time.
Relations between the governments and peoples are friendly (taking account of natural Northern reserve), although one country was part of the other until 1917 and the other country took part of the one country after an unexpectedly bloody war in 1940. A few years after that, one country occupied part of the other after an even more blood-drenched war. The Finns' reputation was later refined through vodka tours to Leningrad and Alexander Rogozhkin's film epochs about national peculiarities. Thus the Mannerheim Line runs not only through the Karelian marshes, bit through some hearts as well, and those could burst into righteous indignation at any time.
Recommendations:
1. Ban Nokia telephones, Nokian tires and Finlandia vodka.
2. Demand the return of the Petsamo district, which Finland received as consolation for the loss of the Karelian Isthmus.
3. Charge sauna users with immoral behavior.
4. Stop using the sports term “finish.”
5. Change the name of the Finnish knife (“switchblade” in English) to Karelian knife.
Japan
There are 835 Japanese living in Russia. In the first half of this year, 429 Japanese registered as temporary workers in Russia. Official statistics say that half of those were engaged in trading. The other half is apparently made up of bankers, oil company managers and chefs.
Personal money transfers between Russia and Japan were too small to be included in figures released by the Central Bank.
Exports from Russia to Japan (several raw minerals) amounted to $3.743 billion in 2005. Imports (cars and electronics) last year totaled $5.832 billion.
Russians have good feelings for the Japanese and even more so for their products, but they have trouble understanding why their habit of beginning and ending every conversation with the incomprehensible words Kunashir, Shikotan, Iturup and Habomai. Most problems between the two countries stem from the Kurils and no solution to that problem is foreseen. In particular, that is the reason that Russia and Japan still haven't signed a peace treaty. That leaves the date open for resumption of military actions.
Recommendations:
1. Declare The Three Tanks Drivers the anthem of Maritime Territory or Sakhalin Region.
2. Ban karaoke.
3. Revive article 219, part 1, of the Criminal Code of the RSFSR, which made studying karate a criminal offense.
4. Refit coast guard boats as trawlers and give a bonus for turning in fish and crab – whether it was caught or seized from poachers.
5. Remove patterns from kimonos from all sewing books.
6. Publish the cost of sushi and sashimi to restaurateurs.
7. Explain to the public that the president of Russia is first and foremost a master of the purely Russian form of hand-to-hand combat known as sambo and that karate was only a temporary distraction.
Kazakhstan
There are 653,962 Kazakhs permanently living in Russia, and Kazakhs rank second after Ukrainians among those who undertake the daunting task of becoming Russian citizens. In the first half of the year, 37,650 received Russian citizenship. Apparently, this is mainly a process of repatriation. In Soviet times, Kazakhs were a minority in their land. Now they make up 60 percent of the population of 15.3 million. There are 3.96 ethnic Russians in the country and 229,100 Tatars. The Federal Migration Service reports that 4118 temporary workers from Kazakhstan were registered last year. In the first half of this year, 3009 were registered, 27.6 percent of them working in the construction trade and about an equal number working in factories. There are thought to be few illegal immigrants from Kazakhstan in Russia, since the standard of living and level of unemployment are comparable in the two countries. This is confirmed by the financial exchange between the two countries. Kazakhstan is the only post-Soviet country that sends more money to Russia than is sent to it from Russia.
Personal money transfers from Kazakhstan to Russia in the second quarter of 2006 amounted to $39.8 million. Transfers from Russia to Kazakhstan were $21.8 million.
Exports to Kazakhstan (raw minerals and cars) in 2005 were worth $6.526 billion and imports from Kazakhstan to Russia (raw minerals, mainly coal and ores, and semi-finished products such as pellets) were worth $3.209 billion.
Kazakhstan and its eternal leader Nursultan Nazarbaev are known for their policy of not offending Russia and less important neighbors, but no less for its desire to make friends with America. Russian and Kazakhstan have never seriously quarreled. But sometimes you just want a change of pace.
Recommendations:
1. Ban concerts by pop performers A Studio and Aziza.
2. Return the money of those who saw the horror films Night Watch and Day Watch and deport director-scenarist Timur Bekmambetov for manipulating public consciousness.
3. Ban the fermented-milk drink airan.
4. Stop using dombras in music schools.
5. Conduct an unsuccessful rocket launch from Baikonur.
The Korean People's Democratic Republic
There are 148,556 Koreans living in Russia. They are famous for their onion growing and have nothing to do with the country whose great leader is achieving victory with the principles of Juche. They appeared in Russia 140 years ago after the annexation of the territory of Southern Ussuriisk and a century later with Southern Sakhalin. Last year, there were 20,057 citizens of North Korea in Russia and, in the first half of this year, 19,359. They mainly work in the Russian Far East in construction and logging. Illegals are out of the question in this case.
The small volume of the funds that flow in personal money transfers between Russia and North Korea did not fall within the top ten countries outside the CIS for money transfers and therefore those figures were not published by the Central Bank.
Exports (coal, forest products, petroleum products and nitrogen fertilizer) from Russia to North Korea were worth $228 million in 2005, and imports from North Korea (seafood, other foodstuffs and re-exported Chinese and Japanese consumer goods) amounted to $6.9 million.
Russia is one of North Korea's only two friends (the other is the People's Republic of China), although that did not stop the North Korean border patrol from seizing the Russian ship Ternei, nor did it stop North Korean missiles from falling into Russian waters, nor did it hinder North Korea's atomic bomb test. It would be quick and easy to spoil relations with the country. A few sincere words about the value of Juche and Comrade Kim Jong-il would do. No other pleasure can be gotten from association with the great leader or his starving people.
Recommendations:
1. Make it a misdemeanor to say “Go away” in public since the Russian word for “away” (von) is the same as the North Korean currency.
2. Tear up the railroads so Kim Jong-il can't escape.
3. Stop using Korean-looking three-letter nicknames.
Kyrgyzstan
In 2002, 31,808 Kyrgyz lived in Russia officially. Today, their number may increase by many times. In the first half of this year alone, 16,400 former residents of Kyrgyzstan received Russian citizenship. About that many Kyrgyz citizens – 16,228 – found official temporary work in Russia last year. There will be more this year. In the first half of this year, 19,218 Kyrgyz were registered by the Federal Migration Service, most of them engage in construction or trading. The number of illegals is estimates in the hundreds of thousands. The International Labor Organization estimates that half a million Kyrgyz work abroad, but not all in Russia. In Bishkek, they say the number is twice that. Their presence in Russia is confirmed by the size of the money transfers.
Personal money transfers from Kyrgyzstan to Russia last year amounted to $10 million, and from Russia to Kyrgyzstan $101.5 million, which is comparable to the official trade turnover between the countries.
Exports (petroleum products, iron goods, vehicles and lumber) from Russia to Kyrgyzstan were worth $397 million in 2005 and imports (cotton, tobacco and electric equipment) were worth $145 million.
Kyrgyzstan under Askar Akaev was able to keep both Russia and the U.S. happy (by allowing it to place its military bases there, for example) and it was the only country not to spoil relations with Russia after its “color” revolution (the Tulip Revolution). Russia gave refuge to Akaev after he was overthrown and smoothed out relations with his toppler Kurmanbek Bakiev. But the warm relations with the U.S. didn't go away either. That means that we still have to resist those who want a fat chunk of Russia.
Recommendations:
1. Remove Chingiz Aitmatov from school reading lists.
2. Conduct sanitary inspections of restaurants that serve beshbarmak.
3. Insist that the remains of Russian Asia scholar Nikolay Przhevalsky be returned to his homeland from the Kyrgyz city of Karakol.
4. Stop using the abbreviation “kg.” in official documents, since those letters signify the Kyrgyz domain on the Internet.
Latvia, Lithuania and Estonia
There are 28,520 residents of Russia who consider themselves Latvians, 45,569 who consider themselves Lithuanians and 28,113 Estonians. Even more residents of those Baltic countries consider themselves Russian. It should be noted that they are not flocking back to their historical homeland. In the first half of this year, 458 repatriates from Latvia received Russian citizenship, as well as 297 from Lithuania and 204 from Estonia. In the same period, according to the Federal Migration Service, 863 Latvian citizens worked in Russia, as well as 2674 Lithuanians and 543 Estonians. The Balts have long had a place in the labor market, and not only on sports teams. Lithuanians, for example, build houses in Kaliningrad Region. Estonians operate expensive machinery in the sawmills of Leningrad Region where Tajiks and Uzbeks do the physical labor. It can be suggested that illegal residence in Russia is not an attractive prospect for most Balts.
Personal money transfers from Russia to Lithuania in the second quarter of 2006 totaled $2 million. No other indicators are available, since they do not fall within the ten top countries beyond the CIS for personal money transfers reported by the Central Bank.
Export data from the Federal Customs Service for January to August of this year show $1.25 billion to Latvia, $3.098 million to Lithuania and $1.912 billion to Estonia. Russia sends a large amount of oil, coal and other fuels to the Baltic, technical equipment, metals and chemicals and nuclear fuel for the Ignalina nuclear power plant in Lithuania. Imports from Latvia to Russia during that period were worth $220; from Lithuania they were worth $423 million and from Estonia $206 million. Russia imports vehicles, electric goods, foodstuffs, transportation means and textiles.
The entire history of relations between Russia and the Baltic states has been one of conflict, quarrel and scandal. There have been battles over human rights, spy scandals and territorial claims. The fighting spirit has sometimes spilled over to the Russian side and taken on a mass character, as when an attempt was made to launch a boycott of herring and Baltic cheese. The Baltic countries make a convenient enemy, and a war would be genuinely popular. The Russians, as everybody knows, don't like the Balts.
Recommendations:
1. Announce another boycott of herrings and Baltic cheeses.
2. Release disinformation into the media about Riga Balsam and Dzintars perfume being returned to stores.
3. Stop using words that end in the Lithuanian-like –as (Honduras, for example).
4. Make the Super League basketball players change their names.
5. Ban performances by the Riga rock group brainstorm and several popular theatrical events.
6. Cancel the musical and comedy festivals that are traditionally held on Baltic stages.
Moldavia
In 2002, 172,330 Moldovans lived in Russia. Officially, the number of native speakers of Moldovan in Russia has increased slightly. In the first half of this year, 7150 former residents of Moldova received Russian citizenship and 35,815 persons found temporary work here (up from 30,613 for all of last year). Experts estimate that there are half a million illegals.
Personal money transfers in the second quarter of 2006 from Moldova to Russia totaled $5.1 million, and from Russia to Moldova $114.6 million.
Exports (fuel) in 2005 from Russia to Moldova were worth $448 million. Imports (foodstuffs and agricultural products) were worth $558 million. Those figures will be less comforting to Chisinau this year because of the Russian ban on the import of wine, limitations on meat, fruit and vegetable imports and higher prices for gas.
Moldova has been the object of a ritual beating for months now because of its refusal to accept the Russian settlement plan of Transdniestria and Chisinau's alliance with Kiev and Tbilisi to reorient itself toward the West. It is thought that Moldovan President Vladimir Voronin is closer than ever to begging Moscow for mercy but, since he might not get it any way, he is unpredictable, and our recommendations are quite timely.
Recommendations:
1. Use law enforcement agencies in a campaign to protect the rights of native residents on the construction marketplace.
2. Take corn flour and cigarettes that cost less then 10 rubles per pack – favorite purchases of Moldovan construction workers – off the market.
3. Declare white storks carriers of bird flu.
4. Organize an ad campaign around the slogans “The line for the kindergartner is better than a Moldovan nanny” and “Give to your maid from Ivanovo.”
5. Rename Frunze Embankment in Moscow Leafy Embankment (“Frunze” in Moldovan means “leaves”).
Mongolia
There are 2656 Mongolians living in Russia. In the first half of the year, 218 people came from Mongolia for employment. Most of them were traders. These low figures are not surprising, since there is a shortage of Mongolians in Mongolia itself. In the entire huge country, there are only 2.6 million people. Many Mongolians work for Russia without leaving the country. A third of the Mongolian GDP comes thanks to three joint enterprises with Russian capital, Erdenet Mining Corp., Mongolrostsvetmet and the Ulan Bator Railway.
There is no data on personal money transfers between Mongolia and Russia.
Exports from Russia to Mongolia (petroleum products, electricity and cars) reached $443 million in 2005. That accounted for more than a third of all Mongolian imports and 90 percent of its fuel supplies. Imports to Russia (copper concentrate and fluorspar) came to $22.4 million.
There are no past conflicts between Russia and Mongolia, nor are any visible on the horizon. That is overlooking the one 750 years ago, of course. But since both the authorities and the people recall that conflict often, the possibility cannot be ruled out that an anti-Mongolian campaign will arise out of the next celebration of the victory in the Battle of Kulikov or memorial for those who fell at the Battle of the Kalka River. Any refusal to allow Russian enterprises access to Mongolia's rich coal, copper and gold deposits could serve as the pretext for such a campaign.
Recommendations:
1. Ban concerts by the Russian rock group Mongol Shuudan.
2. Demand international condemnation of the genocide of native peoples of the Russian Federation during the Mongol occupation of 1207-1480.
3. Organize a Buryat-Mongol unity movement to lobby for the unification of the Buryat territories in Russia with Mongol. Alternatively, Mongol could be declared a exclave of the Republic of Tatarstan.
4. Remove the works of Ivan Turgenev from school reading lists because his last name is derived from the Mongol word for “quick.”
Norway
There are no Norwegians registered as permanent residents of Russia. In the first half of the year, there were 107 Norwegian temporary workers in Russia. Of those, 21 worked in trading and the remainder apparently were occupied in high-paying positions that are not tracked statistically.
The sums of personal money transfers between Russia and Norway are significant, with Norway not falling within the top ten non-CIS countries by those indicators.
Exports to Norway (raw materials for fertilizer production, petroleum products and non-ferrous metals) were worth $682 million in 2005, and imports (fish and other seafood, petroleum products, chemical products and transportations equipment) came to $746 million.
The main Russian-Norwegian conflict has been last year's seizure of the Russian trawler Elektron off Spitzbergen Island by the Norwegian Navy for violations of fishing rules. The ban imposed by Russia on imports of Norwegian fish at the beginning of this year is a consequence of that conflict. A new source of scandal was found in October when the Norwegian companies Statoil and Hydro, which were practically shoo-ins to operate the Stockman natural gas deposit, the largest in the Barents Sea, found out that Russia would produce gas there independently.
Recommendations:
1. Increase European deliveries at dumping prices to undermine Norway's leadership in electricity, magnesium, aluminum and fish.
2. Provide Russian trawlers with military escorts.
3. Appeal to the International ski federation to remove slalom from the list of competitive events.
4. Claim Grumant (Spitzbergen) Island on the basis that Russian Pomors have lived there for centuries and the Viking origin of Russian statehood.
5. Prohibit Nobel Peace Prize winner to enter Russia.
Poland
There are 73,001 Poles living in Russia. Last year, the Federal Migration Service registered 1432 Poles as temporary workers, and 1584 in the first half of this year. They are construction workers, factory workers and traders. Since Poland is a member of the European Union, they rarely live in Russia illegally.
The small volume of personal money transfers between Poland and Russia was not made public by the Central Bank.
Exports from Russia to Poland (fuel, electricity and aluminum) in 2005 were worth $8.623 billion, and imports (cars, electronics and wood and paper products) were worth $2.745 billion.
The Russia-Polish conflict is eternal and insurmountable. Eastern and Western Slavs may trade with great success but they are still fated to despise each other, in the best case. The worst case was seen last summer, when the children of Russian embassy workers were beaten up and a symmetrical response was made on Polish diplomats and a journalist in Moscow. The insurmountable nature of the conflict was finally officially acknowledged by Moscow last year when it made November 4, the Day of People's Unity, a major national holiday in honor of the victory over the Polish occupiers. One more anti-Polish holiday was observed this year, when the traditional Paratrooper's Day was merged with the Church holiday in honor of St. Ilya ad the anniversary of the uprising against False Dmitry I and the Polish interventionists. Such a wealth of holidays cannot bode well for Russia-Polish relations, especially if Poland again attacks Russian citizens by opposing the Northern European Gas Pipeline of blocking the Friendship Pipeline.
Recommendations:
1. Institute a spring holiday to celebrate the expulsion of the Polish invasions.
2. Remove all polonaises from music schools.
3. Change the technical terminology of billiards, which is identical in Russian and Polish.
4. Finance research on the negative effects on the public of having twins in high government positions.
5. Propose that the Polish government buy the monument to Felix Dzerzhinksy or accept a monument to Ivan Susanin by a certain Moscow sculptor as a gift.
Tajikistan
According to the last census, 120,136 Tajiks live in Russia. Officially, there numbers are not growing especially quickly. In the first half of this year, 6380 former residents of Tajikistan received Russian citizenship. Last year, 52,602 Tajiks workers registered in Russia, and 62,204 in the first half of this year. They work in construction and housing maintenance. The Tajikistan Ministry of Labor and Social Protection says that 496,400 Tajik citizens went to Russia last year.
Personal money transfers from Tajikistan to Russia in the second quarter of this year were $4.7 million. Transfers from Russia to Tajikistan were $187.4 million.
Exports from Russia to Tajikistan (fuel, cars, chemical and petroleum products and metals) were worth $240 million. Imports (agricultural products, cotton fiber and aluminum) were worth $94.9 million.
Tajikistan tried several years ago to get into the good graces of the U.S., without success. Now it shows a steadfastly friendly attitude toward Russia. How to respond to that is a matter for this country's high leadership.
Recommendations:
1. Train Russian construction workers and janitors.
2. Provide Russian landowners with the use of bulldozers.
3. Label Salani Peak (formerly Communism Peak, before that Stalin Peak) Putin Peak on Russian maps, and Independence Peak (formerly Lenin Peak) Sovereign Democracy Peak.
Turkmenistan
Officially, 33,053 Turkmen live in Russia. That community is not growing, since Turkmenistan does not allow its citizens to travel abroad to work. In the first half of the year, 2960 former residents of Turkmenistan received Russian citizenship and 331 Turkmen citizens are working temporarily in Russia. In 2005, there were 1499 temporary workers.
Personal money transfers from Turkmenistan to Russia in the second quarter of this year amounted to $1.2 million. Transfers from Russia to Turkmenistan totaled $3.6 million.
Export from Russia to Turkmenistan (cars, technical equipment, metals and chemical products) were worth $224 million in 2005. Imports (mineral products and textiles) were worth $77.1 million at the same time.
This year, Russian purchases in Turkmenistan are expected to rise in connection with the inclusion of Turkmen natural gas in the Gazprom export schedule. It is Turkmenistan's record-breaking gas reserves that make Moscow careful in its relations with Ashghabad and President Saparmurat Niyazov (Turkmenbashi), who has done seemingly all he can to turn Moscow against him from mistreatment of the Russian population in Turkmenistan to withdrawing from the CIS. Russia apparently doesn't plan on taking any actions against Turkmenbashi now. But that may change.
Recommendations:
1. Publish a large number of copies made in the style of Turkmenbashi's Rukhnama of a translation of In the First Person: Conversations with Vladimir Putin.
2. Infiltrate Turkmenistan with illegal operatives who will give the local population gold teeth and karaoke machines, both of which are prohibited in Turkmenistan.
3. Send the best performers from the Bolshoi and Mariinsky Theaters to organize an opera and ballet in exile.
Ukraine
Ukrainians are the third largest nationality in Russia, after Russians and Tatars. In 2002, there were 2,942,961 Ukrainian residents of Russia. Ukrainians most often become Russian citizens too. In the first half of this year, 39,340 former Ukrainian citizens became Russian. According to the Federal Migration Service, 141,777 Ukrainians were registered as temporary workers in Russia in 2005, and 125,324 in the first half of this year. Almost half of them are construction workers. The Ukrainian Ministry of Labor and Social Protection estimates that there are 2 million Ukrainians working in Russia, and independent experts say 5-7 million. Ukraine has a population of 48.46 million, with 8.33 million Russians.
Personal money transfers from Ukraine to Russia in the second quarter of this year amounted to $20.9 million, and transfers from Russia to Ukraine came to $209.6 million.
Exports from Russia to Ukraine (oil, natural gas, heavy machinery and chemical products) were worth $12.403 billion in 2005, and imports (heavy equipment, metals and foodstuffs) were worth $7.777 billion.
The two largest Slavic states began disputes almost as soon as they had declared their independence. They have argued over everything from language to the technical specification of large-diameter pipes. Each time the issue reaches a frenzied crescendo. In 2003, politicians were speaking seriously of the possibility of an armed conflict over Tuzla Island in Kerch Strait. After the Orange Revolution, in which Viktor Yushchenko bested Moscow's favorite, Viktor Yanukovich, the standoff between the two countries became systemic. Ukraine looked toward European Union and NATO and suggested that the CIS be dissolved. Russia revived the criminal case against Yulia Timoshenko, raised natural gas prices and turned off Ukraine's supply. That crisis was overcome when a shadowy intermediary appeared on the market, and Yanukovich replaced Timoshenko. The fallout from that has still not cleared, so a new Russian-Ukrainian conflict remains possible. There is always some reason for one.
Recommendations:
1. Ban the sale of salted pork fat in Russia.
2. Impose a national monopoly on the birch tree, a symbol of Russia, and ban the import of products made from birch bark, leaves, tassels, juice or fungus.
3. Ban the production, distribution and transportation of borsch. Confiscate cookbooks that contain recipes for it.
4. Ban appearances by performer Verka Serdyuchka on television.
The United States of America
In 2002, 1275 residents of the Russian Federation called themselves Americans. Last year, the Federal Migration Service registered 2859 American temporary workers, and in the first half of this year 2450. Not all of them were lawyers and financiers – 571 of them were involved in industrial projects. The number of illegals is unknown.
Personal money transfers from the U.S. to Russia in the second quarter of this year totaled $49.2 million. Transfers from Russia to the U.S. were $8.8 million.
Exports from Russia to the U.S. (raw materials, oil production equipment) in 2005 were worth $6.318 billion. Imports from the U.S. to Russia (cars, chemical products and food) were worth $4.562.
The nature of relations between the countries is obviously determined by their borderlands – short summer, endless winter and a huge cold sea. Russians' love for American goods and money is equal to their antipathy for Americans themselves. Therefore, any ideological war should be supported as long as it doesn't affect the consumer market. There are lots of possibilities, from customs duties and WTO negotiations to free speech and the right to self-determination.
Recommendations:
1. Ban the sale of chicken legs, known in Russia as “Bush legs” since the presidency of the elder Bush.
2. Discover that the bubbles in American soft drinks do not conform to the laws of nature.
3. Order the Federal Narcotics Control Service to study the contents of Coca Cola. If no case can be made for the distribution of narcotic substances, forward the case to the Federal Consumer Products Supervision Service to study the possibility that the public is being deceived.
4. Show comedian Mikhail Zadornov's monolog on Americans' intellectual capacity on television daily.
5. Announce that all residents of Alaska are eligible for Russian citizenship and that the state has the right to self-determination.
Uzbekistan
The 2002 census recorded 122,916 Uzbeks living in Russia. That community has grown markedly since then. As usual, that growth came not so much due to new citizens (34,680 in the first half of 2006) or temporary workers (49,043 last year, 64,177in the first half of this year) as due to illegals. Experts estimates that there are about 400,000 illegal residents of that republic, out of a total population of 26.8 million, which includes about 1 million ethnic Russians.
Personal money transfers in the second quarter of 2006 from Uzbekistan to Russia totaled $22.3 million, and $210.1 from Russia to Uzbekistan.
Exports from Russia to Uzbekistan (technical equipment, ferrous metals and medicines) in 2005 were worth $861 million. Imports from Uzbekistan to Russia (cars, equipment, cotton, fruits and vegetables) at the same time were worth $904 million.
Several years ago, President Islam Karimov tried to turn away from Russia to move closer to the U.S. He left the Collective Security Treaty Organization and joining GUAM (which then became GUUAM). After the shootings in Andijan, the way West was blocked for Tashkent and it returned to the embraces of Moscow. That embrace may become tighter if desired or necessary.
Recommendations:
1. Stop importing Daewoo Nexia and other Uzbek-made cars. Say they do not conform to the Russian car-buyer's taste.
2. Declare plov inedible.
3. Declare dried fruit subject to excise and ban its sale without special excise stamps. Plan to release the stamps no later than 2005.
4. Mount an ad campaign to encourage the consumption of Russian cucumbers and squash in place of Uzbek melons.
The Public Opinion Foundations, April 2006
Shamil Idiatullin, Evgeny Belov
All the Article in Russian as of Oct. 23, 2006
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